Fasting - Then & Now

From when I was a kid, I have never really liked the sun. and the heat. and I still can't deal with our hot weather. I probably never will.

During Ramadhan, i feel as though the hot weather gets magnified by a hundred times! Hence, fasting has been quite dramatic for me. It's all okay now, but it was really quite a challenge in the earlier part of my life, dating back to my primary school days. I'd come up with all sorts of ritual and tasks and drove my mom mad. hehehehe.....but hey...i was still a kid then....well...kinda, anyway.

Here are some of my past quirks:

1. Be a doormat.

The idea is to lay flat (with just my shorts) on the cement floor, with maximum direct contact between flesh and floor. That way, i'd feel a lot cooler. I'd have to reposition my body cos the effects kinda wane after a while. Since my house had carpets in most places, i'd be forced to lay myself down on corners and some other odd places near the wall. Weird sight indeed.

2. Be a fridge magnet.

For this one, the objective is to open both fridge doors and then stand really, really close (again, with just wearing my shorts) to the fridge. Of course my face would get cooler much faster since it's halfway inside the freezer compartment. The effect - one giant popsicle. At least until my mom shouts my name. Then it's back to room temperature. Sigh.

3. Make an ice bed.

This one takes the cake for I was able to deceptively maneuvered under my mom's radar for the longest time. I'd take some ice or half a bottle of cold water from the fridge, mix it with some water from the kolam in the bathroom, then bring it to my mom's room (cos she had the big bed) and dab it onto a towel, which is laid down on the bed. Once the towel is wet and cool enough, i'd lie down on it, completely, from head to toe. Aaaaaaaaahhhh....the cooling sensation was just amazing! After a while, my mom started noticing me carrying the pail in and out of the room......and i got busted. So i improvised.hehehe..... i started bringing my towel into the bathroom, perform the soaking task to perfection and then bring the towel back into the room. Voila! Icy cold matress makes a comeback! The only flaw to this method is the fact that my mom's matress would end up wet. And she wasn't too hot for it. Hehehehe..

Silly huh? Like I said, I was a kid.

Am just glad that as I grew older, i was able to shake off these damaging-yet-oh-so-fun! habits of mine. So no, i no longer wet my mom's bed. Or my bed. Or anyone else's bed for that matter.

I'm an adult now. I think.

Seduces Me.....

Everything you are. Everything you'll be. Touches the current of love. So deep in me........every sigh in the night........every tear that you cry..................seduces me.

All that i am. All that I'll be. Means nothing at all. If you can't be with me. Your most innocent kiss.........or your sweetest caress..................seduces me.

I don't care about tomorrow. I've given up on yesterday. Here and now is all that matter. Right here with you is where I'll stay.

Everything in this world. Every voice in the night. Everything little thing of beauty. Comes shining through in your eyes. And all that is you becomes part of me too.

Cause all you do.........................seduces me.

And if i should die tomorrow. I'd go down with a smile on my face. I thank god I've ever known you. I fall down on my knees. For all the love we've made.

Every sigh in the night....every tear that you cry...seduces me......................................seduces me.


All that you do............................seduces me... ... .. . . .


-------------------too good to be true?---------------

28/7/08





The Dark Knight (and a bit of grey)................(spoilers alert!).





After about 6 restless days of waiting, i finally got to see this much-anticipated sequel of Batman Begins - The Dark Knight. and boy did it rock!!!! As we all know, this sequel is darker than its predecessor and is quite thought-provoking.



Of late, i've grown rather fond of movies that falls within the grey area of things, like The Mist, which i have written about in an earlier post. and it is for that same reason that i really enjoyed the whole 2 1/2 hours of TDK. Face told me that the movie lingered in his mind for a while after he saw it, and i can see how it would.



I had completed watching back-to-back episodes of Grey's Anatomy season 4 a few weeks back and i had this thought - "it is not black and white". And i find it to be true. Many things in life are not black and white. They're more grey. Like what Bailey said to George, about how good people, under certain circumstances, do bad things.........it doesn't automatically make them bad...........they just make bad decisions....decisions that they would regret for the rest of their life....and they have to come to terms with it....so they can move on.......move on to make better decisions. Confusing eh? That's because it's not black and white.



This is where TDK is most memorable for me. It's a realistic take on life and the choices we have to make and live with after:



- Is it more honorable to sacrifice your life, if it means saving the one you love?

- Do you save the person you love and not the person who needed saving the most?

- Is it fairplay to decidedly cause death onto criminals than onto 'innocent bystanders"?

- Is it worth to abandon your integrity, if it's in the interest of saving people's lives?

- Is revenge a worthy cause? will it right your wrong?



The line between good and bad is thin. There's too many variables and circumstances that affect the thickening or thinning of the line. When humans feel their very lives are threatened, they'd switched from being innocent and just to being a judge sooner than they think. I mean why should i die? why shouldn't you? right? or is that wrong? god.........i don't know what i'd do..........



What would YOU do?

18/5/08

Tag! You're It!

Yes, I've been tagged, which is FUN! so thanks Idee! :)

Here goes:

1. Name 4 Things That Need To Be Invented

• A device in the cinema hall that would automatically shine on a person who talks/narrates/chats on the phone while watching a movie.
• An affordable and safe virtual experience device and package that offers a variety of experience; action adventure, romance, sports, etc...
• A cure for cancer.
• A cure for HIV/Aids.

2. Name 4 Things That Should Never Have Been Invented

• Credit Cards.
• Weird Gatsby advertisement (those with broom-like hair and strange jingles. Euw.)
• Crazy drugs - ecstacy, etc.
• The movie Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

3. Name 3 things I do not know about you

• I have my hair cut twice a month.
• I play badminton twice a week.
• I have zero tolerance for pain.
• I love porn cartoon of a certain variety.

4. Name 5 Snacks you enjoy

• Fries
• Chips
• Crackers
• Malay kuih
• Eclipse/Clorets (well, it's a snack to me...)

Now that i'm doing this.....i think i should write other stuff and start tagging people too!! hehehe

Soon.......(well, knowing me and my frequency of blogging, maybe not so soon......but still.......pretty soon......like more sooner than later.....i hope). Hehehehehe

10/4/08

Definitely, maybe.

(spoilers alert!)

I finally got to see a movie tonight in KK!! Third time's a charm, i guess. I went with some friends whom i've came to know recently here; people who are friendly and kind - very hospitable!

We watched the new movie Definitely, maybe and it got me thinking again. yeah, in my earlier blog in which i talked about The Mist and The Spiderwick Chronicles, i said something about how "movies make me think". They do.

To some, the movie may have been a little tad slow, but for me, it had a lot of memorable moments, scenes and lines all throughout the 2 hours. As far as characters were concerned, Maya had an interesting perspective towards her dad's story; one that was insightful and empathatic, with variety of depths. I felt it in my stomach when she asked her dad "So did she break it?" Her dad said "What?" and she placed her fist on her heart.

And then there was this genuine and honest relationship of Maya and her dad that, to me, was very, for lack of a better word, special. I liked how she expressed her disapproval to her dad about him being a smoker in the past. "Wait a minute. You smoked?" and her dad said "That was a long time ago. I quit." to which she responded "Is there anything else i need to know?" - As if she's holding her dad's moral scorecard.

I also found it amusing when she said "I can't believe that Emily practised with Charlie!" - an appropriately placed line to reflect her innocence which keeps her over-the-age maturity in balance.

One of the major tear jerker came about when she said this ultra funny and yet filled with conviction line "Dad, I can't believe that you smoked, behaved so badly and was such a slut, but I love you" Now there's a measure of true love for you! hahahahaa....

So yeah, it got me thinking about the people who we cross path with in our life. The ones who we misinterpret, the ones we wish we didn't take for granted, the ones we let go, believing that it was the right (or dare i say moral) thing to do, the ones we hold on to the most in time of need, the ones who tells us what we need to hear out of their genuine care towards our well being and also the ones who have helped us discover parts of our selves which we never knew existed.

All in all, it was a good movie for me, one with a 'happy ending', Maya. Although in most cases I'd be able to spot it, it eluded me this time, when her dad said "I haven't told you the story's happy ending. it is you, Maya" So much for being a movie freak huh.

Another must-have dvd to add to my collection.

5/4/08

This is me........


What is your favorite song of all time?
If it's just one song, then it has to be Doin Fine by Boyz II Men.

What is your favorite movie quote?
"We're all connected to each other, through our loneliness, desires and that one lamentable lapse of judgement"

What would be the soundtrack to the movie about your life?
Songs from Sarah Mclachlan's albums

How far do you drive to school/work every day?
An hour drive (cue sympathetic hymn).

What do you want?
PS3.

Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie??
Why Miss Lara Croft of course.

My place or yours?
Mine.

Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Wars! "Luke, I am your father" " Noooooooo"

Apple juice or orange juice?
Apple juice

College degree in what?
Chef Training.

Musical instrument I play?
None. I can't even whistle. It sucks.

Family or friends?
I need them both in my life.

Are you self obsessed?
I'd like to think not.

What I dislike most about the general public is...
Racial profiling

Is there any circumstance where cheating is okay?
No.

What is your biggest turn off?
People who refuse to talk / discuss about their issues at hand with the relevant parties

Jeans or shorts?
Shorts.

Are you a good friend or not ?
Yes I am. (well you asked!)

Do you sometimes wish you were a porn star?
I sure do! hahahaha

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
I seldom do.

do you currently like anyone?
Yes.

Do you like thunderstorms?
Not at all.

What happened if you were interviewed and it never ended.
They'll make a movie out of it.

Orlando bloom or Johnny depp?
Neither.

Do you like to bake/cook?
I would, only if i have an island shape kitchen and a full range of cooking tools.

Winter or summer?
Absolutely winter!!!!

If you could pick anyone dead or alive to have lunch with, who would it be?
Andrea Bocelli.

What are your "comfy clothes"?
Round neck black tee and shorts.

If you were one word, what word would you be?
Freak

Favorite Rapper
Missy Elliott

What language would you like to speak fluently?
Mandarin, French, Spanish and Bahasa. hehehehe....

Whats your favorite sport?
Badminton

Chocolate or other candy?
Chocolate. No contest.

Sour or sweet candy?
Sour all the way.

Favorite hot drink?
I hate hot drinks.

What is your dream job?
To be a singer.

Are you fed up of all these questions?
Nope, I crave interviews!

Do you believe a good life is attainable? or is it something that is out of our control ie subject to luck etc.
85% attainable, 15% circumstancial.

What is your favorite color?
Black.

Why are you taking this interview?
I crave interviews!

Do you plan in advance
Yes!

Do you say "I love you" in the relationship?
No. I say " I love you baby". hahaha.....

If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be?
Singer.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Gold Coast, Australia.

If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook?
Sorry, I don't cook.

What is your favourite word?
Yay!

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
A bear.

If you could time travel to the past to correct any mistakes you feel youve made would you?
Yes.

When do you plan on getting married?
When I get my calling.

Would you rather be hot or cold?
Definitely cold.

Your favorite Disney Films?
Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Finding Nemo and The Incredibles.

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
Chocolates and strawberries.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf

What is your favorite TV show?
Alias.

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
The ability to read other's mind. No wait, the ability to control other's mind. No, wait, that's too freaky. Okay, the first one then.

Have you had a beer in the last week?
I don't drink. I mean no.

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Definitely Gatorade.

Favorite body part?
My cleft. Haha!

Flip flops or sandles?
Sandles. I can't deal with the part in between the big toe and the second toe (if that's what you call it).

What do you do on fridays?
I play badminton with my regular buddies. Religiously.

How tall are you?
Somewhere between 170cm - 172cm. That's how short I am.

Do you like bananas?
I do but my doc said it's bad for me due to its sugar content.

27/3/08

Expectations and preferences

Everyone have them. We've had some of it since we were kids and others we develop through the years. Some are flexible but some are non-compromising. Some are work-related, some applies to personal life and others apply to both professional and the personal aspects of our life.

Some of mine includes the following:

• Effective communication - expectation.
• Effective feedback - expectation.
• Punctuality - expectation.
• Sitting in the corner as opposed to the center table of a restaurant - preference.
• Wearing black - preference.
• Having a haircut once every two weeks - non-compromising preference.
• Arriving early to watch a movie - expectation and non-compromising preference.
• Sitting on the center seat, 6th row from the screen at the movies - almost non-compromising preference.
• Not eating vegetables - non-compromising preference.haha!
• Play badminton twice a week - really, really strong preference.

I guess the trick is to balance our own expectations and preferences with those of our friends, co-workers and family. Easier said than done, since many of them are ever so conflicting. One possibly effective way, i found, is to remove myself from the scenario of conflict. For example, if you'd rather watch Lang Buana (no judgement!) but i prefer The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King (giteww), we'll just go our separate ways; you go into Hall 1 while i'll enter Hall 6. No hard feelings.

And what if it's a non-compromising preference and it's not about conflicting movie taste? Then i guess all there is to do is this: woooooooosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.................................................(insert hand gesture). and all will be fine again. Or will it?

26/03/08

Is it really that small?

How many times have we used the term "it's a small world huh.."? Let's see:

"Hi, you may not remember me, but i used to work with ____ and we've met before at ____ where you often visit. We just got off the same flight" "Oh yeah, how nice to see you again!" "what a small world!"

"Hey, i think i know him. We met at the leadership conference in Hawaii last year, he's in Thailand now" "small world!"

"Dude, you know the guy who applied for the position? I think i know of him. He's a cousin of one of my friend, we went to the outlet in Pavilion about a few months back and he was the manager in charge there." "Hmmm....small world huh"

"Hello there?! what are you doing here?? Oh, you live here? in this building? me too!!Wow, what a coincidence" "Yeah, small word eh?"

and of course, the inevitable one -

"Hey, hi.....i'm having a drink with a visiting friend from KL, ______. Yup....oh, really? You do? _______? oh i see.....so you guys know each other too? Owh.....hahhahaa......hmmm.... "it's a small world isn't it?"


Hmm....how small? Apparently very small........and it's getting smaller by the minute.

16/3/08

The Mist vs The Spiderwick Chronicles

(Spoilers alert!)

I saw the two movies back to back the other day and it turned out to be quite an experience. If you haven't seen the movies and you hate spoilers, you should stop reading. But hey, this my blog and very few people read it and so i dun think it's that big of a deal.Hahaha.

The movies, i feel, represent the opposite sides of the human spirit. The Mist (TM) showed the extreme negative side of a human mind and what it's capable of doing when people feel that their very existence is threatened. The Spiderwick Chronicles (TSC), however highlights the more commonly-seen human spirit (or perhaps the more celebrated one) in hollywood land - the triumph of good over evil.

In TM, people turn against each other and even kill, all out of fear of death. Some took solace in religion, one used religion as a mean to take matters into her own hand (one of Marcia Gay Harden's best role that i've seen!). And one man (Thomas Jane) fights for the survival of his son, only to end it himself.

In TSC, yet another teenage boy is given the heavy responsibility to help save the world. and long story short, he overcame all impossible obstacles and achieved victory! Okay, okay.......i liked the movie a lot, fast-paced, action-packed and has that magic wizardry bits.....it's just that it paled in comparison to the impact which TM had onto me.

So back to TM - the plot, which i think is rather original, was given an even more original ending - when survival seems impossible and hope vanishes.........and when people felt that there is only one thing waiting for them - death. And so they chose to do what seemed like the only thing they could choose -how to die. Four bullets in a gun, four shots fired; one for the elderly woman, one for the old man, one for the woman cradling the man's son, and the final one for the son - his son, the very soul he was trying to protect. Now what would that have felt like for him? Ending the life of his own son........ i can't even comprehend. In the movie, feelings of remorse instantly took place, him screaming his own dissapproval upon himself. Mere seconds after, the worst imaginable realization sets in. Tanks and soldiers appears, signaling that the danger is gone. And just seconds after 4 lives were (which in retrospect, now seemed unnecessary) ended.

Maybe that's why i like movies so much. It helps me think. hahaha.

27/2/08

Discovery

For all my life, I have never seen myself as adventure-loving, outdoorsy or as a risk-taker kinda guy. The furthest i've gone to in being adventurous was probably the time i went on the Tower of Terror - a ride where you get strapped in, raised high in the sky and then dropped down in high speed. I'm also crazy about roller coaster rides, but that's pretty much it. There's no camping in the woods, mountain climbing expedition or even jogging. I hate jogging. There, i have made my point. I'm pretty much a couch potato. And a proud one at that!

I was, however, recently presented with some opportunities to change. You see, I set a few goals for me to achieve by year end 08, so i've kinda started this actionable steps to realise these goals. That's how i stumbled into this opportunity called hiking. Macha - my good friend and my badminton buddy, goes hiking at Bukit Gasing every saturday (crazy item no. 1) and she asked me to join her last week. And so i did. Woke up at 7am (crazy item no. 2) and off we went. That morning, i hiked up and down for about 2 hours straight (crazy item no. 3). Surprisingly, i managed......and naturally the situation called for a celebration; a feast! so i had two chappati with chicken curry and 5 glasses of teh o ais (not-so-crazy item no. 4).

And so begun a new discovery. I can hike! and i shall do so every saturday from now onwards. Wish me luck!

Unfortunately, with a positive new discovery, comes a not-so-positive new discovery. I recently tried something for the first time. I hesitated at first, but when the time came and i was face-to-face with the decision, i decided against my better judgement. And i'm afraid i kinda enjoyed it..............so that only means that sequals are now in the making. I still have my guard up though, am not ready (and i probably shouldn't) to plunge into the adventure hole just yet, so i'm gonna take it slow.......and steady....and safe (please let it be safe...).

And i have a back up, just in case things go south. So, please, keep your handphone on ya face! And thanks for saying yes, buddy!

17/2/08

Secret Identity

I saw the movie Jumper today with a friend. It's a pretty cool movie - a bit of action, not too much of romance, some special effects.

It also reminded me of a friend. In one of the scene, the girl (there's always a girl) said to the guy (and there's always a guy chasing the girl) "It's okay if you don't wanna tell me everything, just don't lie to me' and bam!! This friend's face comes to mind. Here's the lowdown; I have this friend, TI. We've been friends for 3-4 years now i think. But we haven't talk or see each other for about a year or more now. But yeah, i suppose i haven't been making too much an effort myself. I mean i've tried to keep in touch, every once in a long while (hehehe)....but i'm not a scrub, or a stalker, so i figure, either the calls come back or that's that.

And then there's the rumor (i call everything a rumor unless it's proven to be true) that says that TI is not even TI. and that TI wasn't doing what he said he was doing. and that he is pissed that another friend found out about his 'secret identity' or i guess in this case real self. When i heard about this, my first reaction was "No, no way, he would tell me if that's the case" "I mean, he should know me well to trust me with these things". I guess it's always been my hope to be the person who's trusted by friends, you know, to confide and stuff.......so maybe that explains my first reaction. After a while, as i reflect on it more and more, i have to say that it is possible that the rumor is indeed true. There have been signs, certain things that was a bit unusual. Hmmm.......i don't know.

The thing is, i dun actually like to speculate. It has always been my preference to get clarification straight from the actual party. So i did, and it wasn't welcomed as much as i expected it to be. So, instead of "tell me the truth", i chose "I don't want to assume, so i'm asking you, and if you say yes, then i'll believe it's a yes, if you say no, then i'll believe it's a no. I didn't get either one. What i got was more of a "It's up to you, whether you would want to believe me or the others". At that point, i didn't want to repeat my question, so i just changed the topic. I have said it before to him - "It's okay if you're not comfortable telling me everything, it's cool, i understand, it's not my right to know anyway. Just don't lie to my face".

So yeah, i am in the opinion that we all have our own demon and we have every right to keep certain things to ourself. No other human owns us, so if we have our own reason for the lie we have to make and live with, no justification is needed.

So if you ever read this, TI, here's what you should know: I am still very much a friend. Even if the rumor is true, i won't be mad. I won't be mad because i'm sure that you have your reasons for doing so. I have my own share of lies in my life, so i sort of understand. And if the rumor is just a rumor, then tell me so. You have my word that i will not use it against you. I would very much like to help, but only if it's wanted.

I'd like to think that at the very least, you know me enough to believe in what i'm saying.

If not, then i guess there's nothing else left to do. Whatever will be, will be.

3/1/08

Goals for Two Thousand Eight

In the continuing spirit of 2007 being a year of change, I wanted to set a few targets that would bring about critical changes within the next 12 months. After talking to Will over sushi and then baskins, this is what I have decided on (in random order):

Goal 1 - Lose 8 kilos of weight.

Goal 2 - Reduce the credit card balance to zero.

Goal 3 - Write on this blog at least twice a month.

I know what you're thinking and yeah, i agree with you. Goal 3 is probably the hardest to achieve. Haha.

2/1/08


The Year That Was 2007


The last few times I wrote on my blog was early 2007. I wrote about highlights of 2006 and a good beginning of the year 2007. I mentioned that I wanted to spend wisely, grow further professionally, eat better, work even harder, be a better friend, take good care of my mom and a few others. Some I did, others, I forgot about.

The year 2007 was a year of change for me. I did something I never thought I would. I went out of my comfort zone. I changed my job. As of early April, I was no longer a working member of the third place. I was no longer a CLC or a n MCM, or an OM. I was no longer a level 4 certified facilitator. I gave it all up. I resigned. And that, was a change so big, that I sometimes look back with doubt………even when I know that I made the right decision to move on. And then there was the farewell party. Toots, being herself, rallied my close buddies in putting up a surprise farewell event for me. And I was fooled. Actually, the only reason they were able to trick me was because of the fake farewell they gave me a week before the actual event. I was actually convinced that the surprise phase was beyond me, so I did not see this one coming. Naturally, I cried a river that night. Never had I felt so touched and appreciated by colleagues, partners, friends as I did that night.

And with a heavy heart, I moved on………

The other big change for me was moving into my own place. Yay! I did it! I have a home! I am now enjoying the space, the view and the feel of it. The feel of being home. Whatever that means. Hahaha. What it means is that I have to fork out more money to pay for it every month.

Joy….

And then there’s Neo. No, not the chosen one Neo, I mean the 1.6 Neo. Apparently, ( I’ve said this many times before) ‘sporty’ means ‘cramped space’. Who knew? Too bad I had to let the Vios go huh. Idiot. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers, so during the past 7 months, I have learned to appreciate this new black beauty of mine. Fancy a ride? Don’t worry, I don’t drive that fast, I am not a speed demon. I’m not, okay. I’m not.

Unfortunately, the year 2007 also holds a heart-breaking memory. On 30th December, one of my close friend, macha, lost her dad. You know, as much as you want to help, there isn’t much you can do in these circumstances. So I did what I could do. I made myself available by being with her. I hope it helped. I am so sorry for your loss macha. I hope time will heal your wounds and make you well again. And you know I’m here for you, whenever you need me.

12/2/07

L I F E

It’s a big word isn’t it? One that summarizes our whole existence. Our joys, journeys, sacrifices, sorrows, you name it, it’s there, right in between the 4 alphabets. Sometimes you can sense it coming from miles ahead, but there are also times where it comes out of nowhere - when it’s the last thing on your mind, or the last thing you would expect to happen. Something happened today that made me think about all the things LIFE has in store for us.

I guess what they say is right – What we do is we plan. Plan and execute. And we do that to the best of our abilities. The result, however, is something we may not fully be in control of. And in that case, if our plan doesn’t play out the way we planned it to be, then what? We re-plan? We list down all the key learning we could extract and learn from it? Do we twitch it a bit and try the same plan again? Or do we whip out something totally new, in the hope that it brings out a different effect? And who’s to say which is best? Ourselves? Hey, if we knew what was best, wouldn’t our plan worked already?

The thing is…. LIFE gives us no clue. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Today, tomorrow, next week, 6 months from now…..we don’t know. Well, we have plans – what we see ourselves doing in the future; where we see ourselves in say, 5 years from now, who we think we’re gonna be with……but do we really know whether things will go our way? NO. We don’t.

If all this sounds depressing, it’s because it is. And I am, I’m depressed. And sad. I wish there’s something I can do about it. But then I don’t think I can do enough. Because no matter what you say or do, it’s never the same as being the one experiencing it. But what if………? What if I’ve gone through something similar? Will that count? Will that allow me to be there, to provide comfort? I sure as hell want to………cos I have, in fact, went through something really, really similar. It may have been over 8 years ago, but I can still remember every detail; the shock, the hate, the disbelief, the sadness, the withdrawal……and I carry it with me…..until now…..and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Friends. Friends who understand. Friends who could relate to where I was, and what I was experiencing. Friends who had faith in me, and what I was capable of. That’s what really helped me brave it out. I may not have made it out if I didn’t have that back then.

So now I think, no, I KNOW it’s my time. To be there. And I do, I have definite faith that you will pull through this. and i know you're tougher than i was. And years from now, you will look back and reflect, perhaps the way that I am reflecting now, thinking about how LIFE once hit you hard and swift….and how you endured…..and how you got back on your feet….and how you showed them fucking bastards that you’re better than that.

Trust me, YOU WILL.

10/2/07

OZ

Just finished season 6 of OZ, which happens to be the final season. I've really enjoyed the series. It's nothing like any other series i've seen before. It's raw, honest, brutal and very, very disturbing.

It makes me wanna do a lot of things; drive more carefully so i don't end up like Toby and learn self defense so i can avoid getting shanked are 2 examples. Apply to be a C.O. is not.

As the series progress, i got hooked to more and more characters - the good, the bad and the worse. One thing i really liked about this season is the mental maze. It's this circular maze design painted on the floor. This is how it works; If you have something on your mind, a problem that's bothering you, what you do is enter the maze, starting from the entrance on the outside. Then, you sort your way inside, choosing your own path........by the time you reached the end of the maze (that middle point of the circle), you'd find a solution to your problem. There! isn't that simple?? Too bad, in real life, it isn't. But i still like the concept. maybe we all should try it.

I've also stumbled upon this really cool analogy, uttered by the librarian, Stella to Bob. She said "Men are like books. Sometimes i want a romance, sometimes a thriller, sometimes maybe a trashy novel to take to the beach. And sometimes, i want a classic. but when i'm finished, it's back to the shelves....and on to the next" hmmmm.........i wonder what kind of book i would be......

The series sure contains plenty of death and violence, but there's also an underlying factor of love and compassion, which makes it addictive. Too bad it didn't end well between Beecher and Keller. it would've been nice.


But then it wouldn't be OZ, would it.

1/02/07

B O Y Z II M E N

I started my fascination with BoyzIIMen since I was a kid. Well, I can’t exactly recall at what age, but it doesn’t really matter does it? All that matters is that I am A BIG FAN! Who cares if I can’t carry their tune, or can’t harmonize shit! I still sing my heart out (or my lungs out, depending on who’s listening) in the showers, in the changing room, anywhere I please. I think at times, I can actually sings like Wanya. Yeah…rite!

When shedevil told about the boyz coming to town, I was ecstatic at first, and then it dawned on me. I shouldn’t be spending money on a concert when I got so much more to pay for my new house. So I told her “hmm….dun think I can make it……cos I’m moving house and all” She tried to convince me, but I think she realized that I wasn’t gonna change my mind, so she stopped trying.

2 days b4 the concert day, shedevil called me and said “What are you doing on this Saturday?” I said “Dun know, probably nothing, why?” She replied “Well, dun get too excited or anything, I’m not sure yet and I can’t promise you anything……” and I exclaimed “You’ve got tickets to BOYZIIMEN!!!!!!” “Yes, I might have some” she said. And it made my day!

She told me that there were 4 tickets, so we could both come plus 1 and that someone will need to drive and it’s not gonna be her or her friend. I had no problem of driving, or it was the least of my concern, so I said we were on!! I had a feeling Prince is a fan of the boyz, but I had to ask, to be sure. So I did, and he said yes to going and to driving. Even better! hehe. So off we go on Saturday, arriving a little early, which was good. The seats given to us were not bad at all, it was a bit to the sides, but was near enough to the stage that it was somewhat surreal – to be that close to the boyz that is.

The concert started just a tad behind schedule. When the announcement came, my hairs stood up (and not in a bad way, you creepy horror fans!) and I was so ready to be amazed by their voices in harmony. They started singing familiar numbers from their previous albums – coolyhighharmony, II, and even evolution, which is my favorite! I was so happy I sang alongside the boyz on every track, unknowingly that someone was watching – so embrassiing…. (Read – so embarrassing). And halfway through the concert, Shawn sat in front of the stage and said “Some of you may know this song, and if you do please sing along with me…” and then he started singing “There was a time, when I felt life was over and out, when you went away from me, my dying heart made it hard to breath…” And I cried inside….This was like the one song I was truly hoping to hear them sing live and they were!!! Needless to say, I pretended I was one of the boyz and went harmonizing every single word, since I know it by heart.

The last song rendered was Motownphilly and it was so appropriate, to have the concert ended on a high like that was just fantastic! I was jumping and dancing through the whole number (Yes, I did and you better believe me!).

By the time I got back, I had this really bad sore throat that lasted for 4 days. I wonder why.

1/02/07

Kona – Day 2 to 6.

The 5 days stretch had me going through different emotions. Workshops had me excited while SM was a bit distracting and confusing at times. Had fun going out with friends for a few nights, but received devastating news that made me wish I was back home.

Yeah, I really did feel like I should be headed home, but I know it wouldn’t be wise to do so. I t was Tuesday in Hawaii (Wednesday back home), I was out walking about the hotel’s garden, listening to dealova, when 2 sms came in. Both carried the same message. TT’s mom had passed away. She never recovered from the coma she was in since earlier that day. I broke down. I couldn’t deal with it. And I was sad, cos I am so far away from TT and that I can’t be there for her. Yeah, I know she has her husband and family around her to console her and all, but still, TT and I have really gotten close over the years, she confides in me as I do her. And to not be there for her then, it felt unfair. So I called my DMs, so they could do things I couldn’t. And I’m fortunate to have good people like them around, people who are always considerate and with much empathy towards others. So they helped to be there for TT, for me.

I was starting to feel somewhat stable later that night, and then my roommate came back. I lost it again when I broke the news to him. I had actually began to come to terms with it earlier, when I started talking to Face over YM. As always, he managed to make me feel better, and to have a better grasp at things. and I’m grateful for that. I also talked to Prince about it and he helped me to feel more at ease about it. And I’m thankful for that too.

By the morning after, I had come to terms surrounding what has taken place. Thinking back, I wonder – how can I be so sad and crushed the night before, only to go back to my cheerful self after only 6 hours of sleep? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that.
Dun get me wrong, I am still very much sad for what has happened, it’s just not as intense as that night in Kona.




As I was saying, the week saw me in different moods and emotions. The thing with SM has me confused to bits! I’m telling you, as guys, I think we should just say what we mean and mean what we say. And be upfront about it. No use shying away, or being unsure about whether the other person want the same thing or not, or whether we should let the other person make the first move. Because if I did that, I would possibly turn out to be mean and bitter about it. And perhaps even cynical. So obviously I did something about it. And please don’t judge me by what you’re about to read. I don’t normally bare my soul like this. I guess I just wanna let some of it out so I can store more of other things inside. Whatever.

So I said what I meant and meant what I said. I said “Just to clarify – I like you, but I dun know whether you feels the same. And if you don’t, just tell me so I’ll know for sure, no problem.” And then something else. The day after, I got a reply “Just to clarify also – I like you too!” and then something else. Now isn’t that all screwed up??!!!! What, I had to put it all out there, at the risk of falling flat on my face??? That’s the only way I would know what’s going on the other person’s mind??? I guess I kinda did. Sure, it made me feel sluttish, sleazy, inferior, being unwanted and all, but one thing I can say for sure – I AM A MAN! Cos I say what I mean and I mean what I say! And I’ll always believe in this! Until I fall flat on my face. Then, maybe then, I’ll seek other measure of a man to hold on to. I know, I know. It’s all a mess. I dun even know if I’m making any sense. That’s where you guys come in.

Give me a comment and let me know, please.

14/01/07

Kona – Day 1; part 2

I dressed casually for the cocktail reception. Met a lot of acquaintances from all over Asia Pacific and got to know a lot of new ones. It felt really good to re-connect after the past few years. Particularly, since I get to meet SM again for the second time since 2003. That’s a lot of years!

SM looked better than ever. And he acknowledged. Phew! Our conversation was brief, but we did talk a bit about things outside of work, which was nice. I was starting to really enjoy our conversation when the others joined us at our table. Damn it people! Can’t you see we’re occupied??!! I was waiting for the opportunity to continue our conversation. Unfortunately, the people were not going away, so we sorta talked about work-related stuff. Oh well, we’ll see whether tomorrow brings better luck.hehehe

The food was good, the prawns were all without shells and they reminded me of Karen, who simply loves em prawns!!!
I was hoping for more variety though, since besides the prawns, there were only 1 variety of sushi (plain rice wrapped in sea weed, topped with sesame seeds), chocolate ganache and mini cheesecake. The rest were the unattractive offerings of carrot and celery sticks, tomatoes and some other vegetables dip items. Yeah, sure, like I haven’t had enough of vegetables on this trip!

Oh, there were oysters too, which was nice.

Workshops will be starting early tomorrow, so am hitting the bed soon.

And by soon I mean now.

14/01/07

Kona – Day 1

We landed down at Honolulu airport at 6:30am, Sunday (Malaysia time: 1:30am Monday). While Taipei was short on cuties, Kona is totally the opposite! I was going through security check at the immigration when my jaw dropped straight onto the floor! Not literally of course, but if it could, it would have. Just ahead of me, stood this hottie security personnel, all smiling and ready to serve. Yes please!!! However, he wasn’t checking the queue I was in. and I wasn’t about to make a scene just so he could come and perform body search on me. Hmmm……maybe I should have. hehehe. Trust me, this hottie is everything rolled into one, physically that is. Neat hair, good facial features, great smile, nice body. What do they say? “sugar, spice and everything nice?” But of course, I can’t just stand there staring (though I think I did for a moment), so I blew him a kiss and moved on to the departure hall, where my flight to Kona is waiting.

We stepped foot on Kona at about 8am and took a cab to Sheraton Keauhou. By then, the hottie and me has already gotten really close, it was like we’ve known each other our whole lives. Then the moment got so intense, so intense that we couldn’t resist locking lips at the back of the cab.

Okay. Reality check. Like that’s gonna happen!

I took a cab with 4 other colleagues (boring!) and then checked in into our room - a room with a view (of the sea, that is) and a lush bed with 5 feather pillows. Excellent!!
By this time, we were all starved beyond words (or at least I was), so we went out to the nearby shopping mall, which supposed to be “just a short walk away” from the hotel. NOT!!! We walked, under the sun, for what felt like hours (or ½ an hour, who knows?). After lunch, while waiting for the shuttle to come pick us up, I did some snack shopping to prepare for the week ahead. Spotted more cuties in the mall, and I suspect there’s more to spot!hehehe.

Am now back at the hotel, exhausted and sleepy. Therefore, am gonna catch a nap so I can be fresh for the cocktail reception later at 6pm.

Who knows, maybe the hottie will be there later.

13/01/07

KL – Taipei

After 4 ½ hour sleep, I was all ready for my Hawaii trip. Left home in the morning to park my car at the office because it’s much safer there than at home. Then it was onto the monorail from the office to KL Sentral, with my backpack, laptop bag and my hand luggage. I packed it full so I have no space for shopping,hehehe. Not that I was in any condition to anyway, have pretty much blown my bonus on the new house.

As I boarded the plane, I contemplated whether to take the aisle or the middle seat and since my colleague didn’t care for much, I decided to seat in the middle. Bad move!!! because seconds after I sat down, a Chinese couple came and took the seat right next to me and guess what? They had a baby with them!! I thought to myself “trouble is on the way!” cos I just know that at one point during the flight, she’ll be screaming in my ear. And she did. That and I smelled poop for at least a quarter way of the flight. Nice.

Upon reaching Taipei airport, we had to wait for about an hour for the hotel shuttle to come pick us up, so we went to a Starbucks there for drinks and to hang out. By 8pm, we were whisked away to the transit hotel, which looked somewhat questionable. The name is totally different from the itinerary and they weren’t ready to check us in. After a few communication issues, we were given our room and 15 minutes later, we were all out again, wanting to go to a much talked about night market. The market looked like any other night market anywhere else, really, like Petaling Street (only longer), Bangkok night market (with more pork!) or Thaksim in Istanbul (with less cuties – only 2 were spotted. Two!! Hardly worth the effort, hehehe). After a few hours and a couple of sore feet, we took a cab back to the hotel.

I’ll be heading to US soil tomorrow and despite our flight departing at 2:45pm, we will be picked up by 10:20am, something about “joining the bigger bus”. I have no idea what it means.

Maybe I’ll get a cutie sitting next to me on the flight tomorrow!