How will it be?

It’s 2:40am. I’m in that phase again. Many questions, very little answers. Just saw a movie and it left me feeling sad, angry, confused. Mostly sad and afraid.

Where will I be 20 years from now? What will I be doing? WHO will be with me? Will I be lonely? Will I be alone? Dare I say it – will I be dead? Would I rather be Ennis or Jack? Being alive is always better, however lonely. But seeing Ennis – living in a trailer, holding on to blood-stained shirts and a postcard scares me. I bet he regrets having gone against his heart’s wishes. Maybe then the person would still be alive. Now he’ll never know what really happened to him.

How long can friends stay friends? What if they get married? I’m sure things will change then. And how many friends would I have left? Who’ll take care of me if I get sick? My adopted kids? My own children, which at this point seem almost too far-fetched?

Life would be so far less complicated if things aren’t this way.

I need a hug.