12/2/07
L I F E
It’s a big word isn’t it? One that summarizes our whole existence. Our joys, journeys, sacrifices, sorrows, you name it, it’s there, right in between the 4 alphabets. Sometimes you can sense it coming from miles ahead, but there are also times where it comes out of nowhere - when it’s the last thing on your mind, or the last thing you would expect to happen. Something happened today that made me think about all the things LIFE has in store for us.
I guess what they say is right – What we do is we plan. Plan and execute. And we do that to the best of our abilities. The result, however, is something we may not fully be in control of. And in that case, if our plan doesn’t play out the way we planned it to be, then what? We re-plan? We list down all the key learning we could extract and learn from it? Do we twitch it a bit and try the same plan again? Or do we whip out something totally new, in the hope that it brings out a different effect? And who’s to say which is best? Ourselves? Hey, if we knew what was best, wouldn’t our plan worked already?
The thing is…. LIFE gives us no clue. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Today, tomorrow, next week, 6 months from now…..we don’t know. Well, we have plans – what we see ourselves doing in the future; where we see ourselves in say, 5 years from now, who we think we’re gonna be with……but do we really know whether things will go our way? NO. We don’t.
If all this sounds depressing, it’s because it is. And I am, I’m depressed. And sad. I wish there’s something I can do about it. But then I don’t think I can do enough. Because no matter what you say or do, it’s never the same as being the one experiencing it. But what if………? What if I’ve gone through something similar? Will that count? Will that allow me to be there, to provide comfort? I sure as hell want to………cos I have, in fact, went through something really, really similar. It may have been over 8 years ago, but I can still remember every detail; the shock, the hate, the disbelief, the sadness, the withdrawal……and I carry it with me…..until now…..and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
Friends. Friends who understand. Friends who could relate to where I was, and what I was experiencing. Friends who had faith in me, and what I was capable of. That’s what really helped me brave it out. I may not have made it out if I didn’t have that back then.
So now I think, no, I KNOW it’s my time. To be there. And I do, I have definite faith that you will pull through this. and i know you're tougher than i was. And years from now, you will look back and reflect, perhaps the way that I am reflecting now, thinking about how LIFE once hit you hard and swift….and how you endured…..and how you got back on your feet….and how you showed them fucking bastards that you’re better than that.
Trust me, YOU WILL.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
10/2/07
OZ
Just finished season 6 of OZ, which happens to be the final season. I've really enjoyed the series. It's nothing like any other series i've seen before. It's raw, honest, brutal and very, very disturbing.
It makes me wanna do a lot of things; drive more carefully so i don't end up like Toby and learn self defense so i can avoid getting shanked are 2 examples. Apply to be a C.O. is not.
As the series progress, i got hooked to more and more characters - the good, the bad and the worse. One thing i really liked about this season is the mental maze. It's this circular maze design painted on the floor. This is how it works; If you have something on your mind, a problem that's bothering you, what you do is enter the maze, starting from the entrance on the outside. Then, you sort your way inside, choosing your own path........by the time you reached the end of the maze (that middle point of the circle), you'd find a solution to your problem. There! isn't that simple?? Too bad, in real life, it isn't. But i still like the concept. maybe we all should try it.
I've also stumbled upon this really cool analogy, uttered by the librarian, Stella to Bob. She said "Men are like books. Sometimes i want a romance, sometimes a thriller, sometimes maybe a trashy novel to take to the beach. And sometimes, i want a classic. but when i'm finished, it's back to the shelves....and on to the next" hmmmm.........i wonder what kind of book i would be......
The series sure contains plenty of death and violence, but there's also an underlying factor of love and compassion, which makes it addictive. Too bad it didn't end well between Beecher and Keller. it would've been nice.
But then it wouldn't be OZ, would it.
OZ
Just finished season 6 of OZ, which happens to be the final season. I've really enjoyed the series. It's nothing like any other series i've seen before. It's raw, honest, brutal and very, very disturbing.
It makes me wanna do a lot of things; drive more carefully so i don't end up like Toby and learn self defense so i can avoid getting shanked are 2 examples. Apply to be a C.O. is not.
As the series progress, i got hooked to more and more characters - the good, the bad and the worse. One thing i really liked about this season is the mental maze. It's this circular maze design painted on the floor. This is how it works; If you have something on your mind, a problem that's bothering you, what you do is enter the maze, starting from the entrance on the outside. Then, you sort your way inside, choosing your own path........by the time you reached the end of the maze (that middle point of the circle), you'd find a solution to your problem. There! isn't that simple?? Too bad, in real life, it isn't. But i still like the concept. maybe we all should try it.
I've also stumbled upon this really cool analogy, uttered by the librarian, Stella to Bob. She said "Men are like books. Sometimes i want a romance, sometimes a thriller, sometimes maybe a trashy novel to take to the beach. And sometimes, i want a classic. but when i'm finished, it's back to the shelves....and on to the next" hmmmm.........i wonder what kind of book i would be......
The series sure contains plenty of death and violence, but there's also an underlying factor of love and compassion, which makes it addictive. Too bad it didn't end well between Beecher and Keller. it would've been nice.
But then it wouldn't be OZ, would it.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
1/02/07
B O Y Z II M E N
I started my fascination with BoyzIIMen since I was a kid. Well, I can’t exactly recall at what age, but it doesn’t really matter does it? All that matters is that I am A BIG FAN! Who cares if I can’t carry their tune, or can’t harmonize shit! I still sing my heart out (or my lungs out, depending on who’s listening) in the showers, in the changing room, anywhere I please. I think at times, I can actually sings like Wanya. Yeah…rite!
When shedevil told about the boyz coming to town, I was ecstatic at first, and then it dawned on me. I shouldn’t be spending money on a concert when I got so much more to pay for my new house. So I told her “hmm….dun think I can make it……cos I’m moving house and all” She tried to convince me, but I think she realized that I wasn’t gonna change my mind, so she stopped trying.
2 days b4 the concert day, shedevil called me and said “What are you doing on this Saturday?” I said “Dun know, probably nothing, why?” She replied “Well, dun get too excited or anything, I’m not sure yet and I can’t promise you anything……” and I exclaimed “You’ve got tickets to BOYZIIMEN!!!!!!” “Yes, I might have some” she said. And it made my day!
She told me that there were 4 tickets, so we could both come plus 1 and that someone will need to drive and it’s not gonna be her or her friend. I had no problem of driving, or it was the least of my concern, so I said we were on!! I had a feeling Prince is a fan of the boyz, but I had to ask, to be sure. So I did, and he said yes to going and to driving. Even better! hehe. So off we go on Saturday, arriving a little early, which was good. The seats given to us were not bad at all, it was a bit to the sides, but was near enough to the stage that it was somewhat surreal – to be that close to the boyz that is.
The concert started just a tad behind schedule. When the announcement came, my hairs stood up (and not in a bad way, you creepy horror fans!) and I was so ready to be amazed by their voices in harmony. They started singing familiar numbers from their previous albums – coolyhighharmony, II, and even evolution, which is my favorite! I was so happy I sang alongside the boyz on every track, unknowingly that someone was watching – so embrassiing…. (Read – so embarrassing). And halfway through the concert, Shawn sat in front of the stage and said “Some of you may know this song, and if you do please sing along with me…” and then he started singing “There was a time, when I felt life was over and out, when you went away from me, my dying heart made it hard to breath…” And I cried inside….This was like the one song I was truly hoping to hear them sing live and they were!!! Needless to say, I pretended I was one of the boyz and went harmonizing every single word, since I know it by heart.
The last song rendered was Motownphilly and it was so appropriate, to have the concert ended on a high like that was just fantastic! I was jumping and dancing through the whole number (Yes, I did and you better believe me!).
By the time I got back, I had this really bad sore throat that lasted for 4 days. I wonder why.
B O Y Z II M E N
I started my fascination with BoyzIIMen since I was a kid. Well, I can’t exactly recall at what age, but it doesn’t really matter does it? All that matters is that I am A BIG FAN! Who cares if I can’t carry their tune, or can’t harmonize shit! I still sing my heart out (or my lungs out, depending on who’s listening) in the showers, in the changing room, anywhere I please. I think at times, I can actually sings like Wanya. Yeah…rite!
When shedevil told about the boyz coming to town, I was ecstatic at first, and then it dawned on me. I shouldn’t be spending money on a concert when I got so much more to pay for my new house. So I told her “hmm….dun think I can make it……cos I’m moving house and all” She tried to convince me, but I think she realized that I wasn’t gonna change my mind, so she stopped trying.
2 days b4 the concert day, shedevil called me and said “What are you doing on this Saturday?” I said “Dun know, probably nothing, why?” She replied “Well, dun get too excited or anything, I’m not sure yet and I can’t promise you anything……” and I exclaimed “You’ve got tickets to BOYZIIMEN!!!!!!” “Yes, I might have some” she said. And it made my day!
She told me that there were 4 tickets, so we could both come plus 1 and that someone will need to drive and it’s not gonna be her or her friend. I had no problem of driving, or it was the least of my concern, so I said we were on!! I had a feeling Prince is a fan of the boyz, but I had to ask, to be sure. So I did, and he said yes to going and to driving. Even better! hehe. So off we go on Saturday, arriving a little early, which was good. The seats given to us were not bad at all, it was a bit to the sides, but was near enough to the stage that it was somewhat surreal – to be that close to the boyz that is.
The concert started just a tad behind schedule. When the announcement came, my hairs stood up (and not in a bad way, you creepy horror fans!) and I was so ready to be amazed by their voices in harmony. They started singing familiar numbers from their previous albums – coolyhighharmony, II, and even evolution, which is my favorite! I was so happy I sang alongside the boyz on every track, unknowingly that someone was watching – so embrassiing…. (Read – so embarrassing). And halfway through the concert, Shawn sat in front of the stage and said “Some of you may know this song, and if you do please sing along with me…” and then he started singing “There was a time, when I felt life was over and out, when you went away from me, my dying heart made it hard to breath…” And I cried inside….This was like the one song I was truly hoping to hear them sing live and they were!!! Needless to say, I pretended I was one of the boyz and went harmonizing every single word, since I know it by heart.
The last song rendered was Motownphilly and it was so appropriate, to have the concert ended on a high like that was just fantastic! I was jumping and dancing through the whole number (Yes, I did and you better believe me!).
By the time I got back, I had this really bad sore throat that lasted for 4 days. I wonder why.
1/02/07
Kona – Day 2 to 6.
The 5 days stretch had me going through different emotions. Workshops had me excited while SM was a bit distracting and confusing at times. Had fun going out with friends for a few nights, but received devastating news that made me wish I was back home.
Yeah, I really did feel like I should be headed home, but I know it wouldn’t be wise to do so. I t was Tuesday in Hawaii (Wednesday back home), I was out walking about the hotel’s garden, listening to dealova, when 2 sms came in. Both carried the same message. TT’s mom had passed away. She never recovered from the coma she was in since earlier that day. I broke down. I couldn’t deal with it. And I was sad, cos I am so far away from TT and that I can’t be there for her. Yeah, I know she has her husband and family around her to console her and all, but still, TT and I have really gotten close over the years, she confides in me as I do her. And to not be there for her then, it felt unfair. So I called my DMs, so they could do things I couldn’t. And I’m fortunate to have good people like them around, people who are always considerate and with much empathy towards others. So they helped to be there for TT, for me.
I was starting to feel somewhat stable later that night, and then my roommate came back. I lost it again when I broke the news to him. I had actually began to come to terms with it earlier, when I started talking to Face over YM. As always, he managed to make me feel better, and to have a better grasp at things. and I’m grateful for that. I also talked to Prince about it and he helped me to feel more at ease about it. And I’m thankful for that too.
By the morning after, I had come to terms surrounding what has taken place. Thinking back, I wonder – how can I be so sad and crushed the night before, only to go back to my cheerful self after only 6 hours of sleep? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that.
Dun get me wrong, I am still very much sad for what has happened, it’s just not as intense as that night in Kona.
As I was saying, the week saw me in different moods and emotions. The thing with SM has me confused to bits! I’m telling you, as guys, I think we should just say what we mean and mean what we say. And be upfront about it. No use shying away, or being unsure about whether the other person want the same thing or not, or whether we should let the other person make the first move. Because if I did that, I would possibly turn out to be mean and bitter about it. And perhaps even cynical. So obviously I did something about it. And please don’t judge me by what you’re about to read. I don’t normally bare my soul like this. I guess I just wanna let some of it out so I can store more of other things inside. Whatever.
So I said what I meant and meant what I said. I said “Just to clarify – I like you, but I dun know whether you feels the same. And if you don’t, just tell me so I’ll know for sure, no problem.” And then something else. The day after, I got a reply “Just to clarify also – I like you too!” and then something else. Now isn’t that all screwed up??!!!! What, I had to put it all out there, at the risk of falling flat on my face??? That’s the only way I would know what’s going on the other person’s mind??? I guess I kinda did. Sure, it made me feel sluttish, sleazy, inferior, being unwanted and all, but one thing I can say for sure – I AM A MAN! Cos I say what I mean and I mean what I say! And I’ll always believe in this! Until I fall flat on my face. Then, maybe then, I’ll seek other measure of a man to hold on to. I know, I know. It’s all a mess. I dun even know if I’m making any sense. That’s where you guys come in.
Give me a comment and let me know, please.
Kona – Day 2 to 6.
The 5 days stretch had me going through different emotions. Workshops had me excited while SM was a bit distracting and confusing at times. Had fun going out with friends for a few nights, but received devastating news that made me wish I was back home.
Yeah, I really did feel like I should be headed home, but I know it wouldn’t be wise to do so. I t was Tuesday in Hawaii (Wednesday back home), I was out walking about the hotel’s garden, listening to dealova, when 2 sms came in. Both carried the same message. TT’s mom had passed away. She never recovered from the coma she was in since earlier that day. I broke down. I couldn’t deal with it. And I was sad, cos I am so far away from TT and that I can’t be there for her. Yeah, I know she has her husband and family around her to console her and all, but still, TT and I have really gotten close over the years, she confides in me as I do her. And to not be there for her then, it felt unfair. So I called my DMs, so they could do things I couldn’t. And I’m fortunate to have good people like them around, people who are always considerate and with much empathy towards others. So they helped to be there for TT, for me.
I was starting to feel somewhat stable later that night, and then my roommate came back. I lost it again when I broke the news to him. I had actually began to come to terms with it earlier, when I started talking to Face over YM. As always, he managed to make me feel better, and to have a better grasp at things. and I’m grateful for that. I also talked to Prince about it and he helped me to feel more at ease about it. And I’m thankful for that too.
By the morning after, I had come to terms surrounding what has taken place. Thinking back, I wonder – how can I be so sad and crushed the night before, only to go back to my cheerful self after only 6 hours of sleep? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that.
Dun get me wrong, I am still very much sad for what has happened, it’s just not as intense as that night in Kona.
As I was saying, the week saw me in different moods and emotions. The thing with SM has me confused to bits! I’m telling you, as guys, I think we should just say what we mean and mean what we say. And be upfront about it. No use shying away, or being unsure about whether the other person want the same thing or not, or whether we should let the other person make the first move. Because if I did that, I would possibly turn out to be mean and bitter about it. And perhaps even cynical. So obviously I did something about it. And please don’t judge me by what you’re about to read. I don’t normally bare my soul like this. I guess I just wanna let some of it out so I can store more of other things inside. Whatever.
So I said what I meant and meant what I said. I said “Just to clarify – I like you, but I dun know whether you feels the same. And if you don’t, just tell me so I’ll know for sure, no problem.” And then something else. The day after, I got a reply “Just to clarify also – I like you too!” and then something else. Now isn’t that all screwed up??!!!! What, I had to put it all out there, at the risk of falling flat on my face??? That’s the only way I would know what’s going on the other person’s mind??? I guess I kinda did. Sure, it made me feel sluttish, sleazy, inferior, being unwanted and all, but one thing I can say for sure – I AM A MAN! Cos I say what I mean and I mean what I say! And I’ll always believe in this! Until I fall flat on my face. Then, maybe then, I’ll seek other measure of a man to hold on to. I know, I know. It’s all a mess. I dun even know if I’m making any sense. That’s where you guys come in.
Give me a comment and let me know, please.
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