1/02/07

Kona – Day 2 to 6.

The 5 days stretch had me going through different emotions. Workshops had me excited while SM was a bit distracting and confusing at times. Had fun going out with friends for a few nights, but received devastating news that made me wish I was back home.

Yeah, I really did feel like I should be headed home, but I know it wouldn’t be wise to do so. I t was Tuesday in Hawaii (Wednesday back home), I was out walking about the hotel’s garden, listening to dealova, when 2 sms came in. Both carried the same message. TT’s mom had passed away. She never recovered from the coma she was in since earlier that day. I broke down. I couldn’t deal with it. And I was sad, cos I am so far away from TT and that I can’t be there for her. Yeah, I know she has her husband and family around her to console her and all, but still, TT and I have really gotten close over the years, she confides in me as I do her. And to not be there for her then, it felt unfair. So I called my DMs, so they could do things I couldn’t. And I’m fortunate to have good people like them around, people who are always considerate and with much empathy towards others. So they helped to be there for TT, for me.

I was starting to feel somewhat stable later that night, and then my roommate came back. I lost it again when I broke the news to him. I had actually began to come to terms with it earlier, when I started talking to Face over YM. As always, he managed to make me feel better, and to have a better grasp at things. and I’m grateful for that. I also talked to Prince about it and he helped me to feel more at ease about it. And I’m thankful for that too.

By the morning after, I had come to terms surrounding what has taken place. Thinking back, I wonder – how can I be so sad and crushed the night before, only to go back to my cheerful self after only 6 hours of sleep? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that.
Dun get me wrong, I am still very much sad for what has happened, it’s just not as intense as that night in Kona.




As I was saying, the week saw me in different moods and emotions. The thing with SM has me confused to bits! I’m telling you, as guys, I think we should just say what we mean and mean what we say. And be upfront about it. No use shying away, or being unsure about whether the other person want the same thing or not, or whether we should let the other person make the first move. Because if I did that, I would possibly turn out to be mean and bitter about it. And perhaps even cynical. So obviously I did something about it. And please don’t judge me by what you’re about to read. I don’t normally bare my soul like this. I guess I just wanna let some of it out so I can store more of other things inside. Whatever.

So I said what I meant and meant what I said. I said “Just to clarify – I like you, but I dun know whether you feels the same. And if you don’t, just tell me so I’ll know for sure, no problem.” And then something else. The day after, I got a reply “Just to clarify also – I like you too!” and then something else. Now isn’t that all screwed up??!!!! What, I had to put it all out there, at the risk of falling flat on my face??? That’s the only way I would know what’s going on the other person’s mind??? I guess I kinda did. Sure, it made me feel sluttish, sleazy, inferior, being unwanted and all, but one thing I can say for sure – I AM A MAN! Cos I say what I mean and I mean what I say! And I’ll always believe in this! Until I fall flat on my face. Then, maybe then, I’ll seek other measure of a man to hold on to. I know, I know. It’s all a mess. I dun even know if I’m making any sense. That’s where you guys come in.

Give me a comment and let me know, please.